Run away with me.

I like love songs, most of the time. Especially showtunes having to do with love. Aaron Tveit singing "Run Away with Me"? Yes, most certainly. It just sounds so authentic and real.

 I guess I'm a sucker for any song with strong emotional content, again, namely songs that come out of musicals. Aaron Tveit singing "I'm Alive"? Oh yes. Jennifer Damaino singing "Superboy and the Invisible Girl"? Definitely. I can't get enough of it. I've been absolutely hooked on Next to Normal the past month or so. I listen to a lot of the music daily, just because it sorts of grabs me. It's real.

I love shows that deal with real life. Real people, real situations, real feelings... they really get me going. Heck, I love books that have situations that real, every day people deal with. Okay, maybe not every day people, but people with personalities, people that I can relate to. Hence why I've read so much Jodi Picoult and Nicholas Sparks.

I think it's because I like to live vicariously through a lot of the characters.

Last night I dreamt that I re-auditioned for the Musical Theatre program at B-W. This time, I was with a lot of my friends from school, which helped my confidence a lot. However, I think I decided to audition very last minute, because I didn't even know what songs to sing or what cuts to make... ha. It was interesting. Then, we were on break, and we all went to the bathroom. My guy friend came with us in there, and I was like, "Dude, this is the girls' bathroom, you can't be in here", so he left. But then all these other guys kept coming in and messing around and hanging out with us on our couch (yeah, we had a couch in there), and one said it really wasn't a gender-specific bathroom. I felt kinda bad about kicking my friend out, but didn't do anything about it.

So me and one of my girl friends are chilling out on the couch with a few guys. One leaves, and the other is still sitting with us on his laptop. Please note that I have no idea who this guy was; he just came right out of my imagination, I guess. Anyway, he was cute, but had a strange personality. I don't know how to describe it here, he was just kind of awkwardly mean, but charming at the same time. I didn't even know his name. He kept putting his arm around me and such, and I was like "lolz okay". Then he was talking to my friend and, then, out of nowhere, asked if she would kiss him. Let me set this up for you: three person couch. Boy on one side, girl on other, me in the middle. I think I woke up before they kissed, but thinking about it still makes me chuckle. I mean, awkward. I remember her leaning over me (he didn't move at all), and that's about it. My dreams amuse the heck out of me.

Then the night before, I dreamed that I had a guy friend (more of an acquaintance) from college who suddenly proclaimed his love for me. Again, this was a guy formed right out of my imagination. He didn't look like anyone I knew, and his personality was certainly nothing like any of my guy friends. He just held me and kissed me and told me how he had always loved me but he was afraid to tell me, blah blah blah. I just remember feeling happy, feeling like "wow, this is what love feels like", and that this kid had to be the one.

It's just funny, I guess. I've been thinking a lot about relationships and stuff lately, yeah, but... I don't want anything serious. Really, I don't. I'm young, I've got a lot that I want to do, and thinking about a committed relationship right now seems like another chore.

But... I don't know. Okay, that was a lie. I would like a relationship. But not with just anyone... No.

I'm not gonna seriously date anyone until I'm wowed. I've grown sick of trying. Trying to make things work, trying to pretend that settling will still make me happy, trying to not wear the pants in relationships when it's what always happens. I need someone that can keep up with me. I need someone that isn't afraid to make decisions, someone who doesn't leave me to make them all. I need confidence and self-assurance. I need someone who knows what it's like to live and breathe theatre, or, heck, just performing in general. I need a kind heart and a warm touch. I need someone that's mature, someone that won't leave me for the next best thing. I need an outgoing personality. I need someone that accepts my goofiness, someone who loves taking adventures as much as I do. I need someone who isn't held back by anything. I need someone that I can have real conversations with, conversations that go somewhere, conversations that make me think.

That's just what I've been thinking about lately, I guess. I mean, the relationships I've had were all perfect at the time. I'm thankful for what they've taught me, especially my most recent and most significant. I know love now. It was perfect for that beautiful moment in time, but change happens and we keep moving. I'll treasure the memories forever, without a doubt. But now I'm back on my own feet, back on my own resources. I'm discovering my new self, and falling in love with the potential that lies in the future. I'm figuring out where I'm going, and with that, what I want in a partner that accompanies me on that journey. Yes, I've got some high expectations. But, with the thought of something as permanent as marriage, I want to have someone that is so compatible with me, that I don't have a choice but to stick it out with them.

For now, I'll meet people. When he comes along, maybe I'll know, or I'll realize it somewhere down the line. The important thing is, sooner or later, it'll be real. So real, we'll sing songs about it.