This is my winter song for you. (a short story, I suppose)

            I had a dream once.

            She had eyes the shade of warm spring mud, and when they cried those tears they fell and hit me deep. She had a delicate touch that reminded me that my love wasn’t unrequited, but she also had a heavy hand that made me sink. When she was worried, when the pain rolled through her, when I got upset over things that I don’t even remember anymore, that was when she laid that hand on me. The feel of it terrified me.

            I would kill to feel it touch my skin again, even just for a moment.

            I didn’t do everything right. I loved her with all that I was, but I often didn’t know how to show it. It’s a challenge that all men face, trying to live up these expectations the world tells women to have. I lack the skill of a lover’s touch, the words of a wandering bard. She loved me through and through, though. I’d hold her cheek in my palm, and she’d smile with all of her face. Her eyes, her mouth, her nose—it all worked harmoniously. We were not perfect, no, but we were young and hopeful.

            She stood before me, the only thing I could see in the blustering snow. She was bundled up, a pile of mismatched winter accessories and a jacket. Despite the often violent weather, she loved the winter. Grinning at me, she asked where we were going. I merely smiled in return, and took her hand. Inside my organs flipped about and tensed, fearful of what was going to happen next. We walked through the snow, hand in hand and alone in the world. I felt as though we were the centerpiece of a snow globe, the snowflakes twirling about and a beautiful melody playing. It was really as surreal, as dream-like as it sounds.

I brought her to the lake, frozen and buried beneath a blanket of white. She shuddered but still held her smile. I pulled her in close, feeling her warm breath rise to my chin from her face at my chest. My throat clenched, and I reached a hand into my pocket. The little box felt like it weighed one thousand pounds as I slowly pulled it out. I held it behind her back for a moment, and finally, I moved my arms out from around her, and knelt before my love. I asked her to marry me.

The melody began to slow, and the snow suddenly wasn’t as beautiful. Tears began to roll and rock me deep within my soul. She choked out words, words that didn’t make sense. Words that still break me. She said she was sorry. She said she was sick. She said she was going to tell me, but she was afraid. She said she couldn’t let me love her anymore. She knelt down in front of me, laid two heavy hands on my shoulders, and kissed me through salty tears. Then she was gone. All I could see was white.

I never saw her again. No one did. No one really talked about her. They would see the pain in my face and the world was somber again. I don’t know if they don’t mention her because they know it hurts me, or if maybe… maybe she was a dream that only I had.